I am not lazy I am on energy-saving mode.

 

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.

 

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. – Mitch Hedberg

 

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln

 

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright

 

Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening. – Anonymous

 

Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works. – Anonymous

 

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne

 

Did you just fall? No, I was checking if gravity still works. – Anonymous

 

I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship. – Anonymous

 

Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg

 

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch .. I call it lunch.

 

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. – Ashleigh Brilliant

 

Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. – Benjamin Franklin

 

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln

 

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield

 

Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘awesome’ ends with ‘me’ and ‘ugly’ starts with ‘u’.

 

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you. – Anonymous

 

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone. – Anonymous

 

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln

 

What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another hole to drain the water. – Anonymous

 

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! — Billy Connolly

 

I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was ‘I bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me.

 

I hate men who say girls are ‘weak.’ Excuse me, but can you bleed for seven days straight and not die? I don’t think so.

 

It takes real skills to choke on air, fall up the stairs and trip over nothing. I have those skills. – Anonymous

 

It may look like I’m doing nothing, but in my head, I’m quite busy. – Anonymous

 

I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. – Anonymous

 

I don’t understand people who say “I don’t know how to thank you.” Like they never heard of money. – Anonymous

 

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire

 

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes

 

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus

 

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein

 

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 per cent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray

 

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright

 

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

 

It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.

 

Farts are like children, I’m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.

 

Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.

 

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite

 

You call it ‘nagging’. I call it, ‘Listen to what I f**king said the first time.

 

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

 

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. – Billy Sunday

 

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here are a coffee and a million dollars.” – Anonymous

 

Dear life, when I said, “can this day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge. – Anonymous

 

Sleeping is hard in the summer because the blankets are too warm, but without them, I am vulnerable to monsters. – Anonymous

 

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera. – Anonymous

 

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein

 

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott

 

That’s why they call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin

 

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill

 

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke. – Will Rogers

 

My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what’s funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.

 

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. – Andy Borowitz

 

There are so many times I made you angry, upset, irritated and tired. Today I just wanted to say that I’m thinking of continuing. – Anonymous

 

I came from a real tough neighbourhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield

 

At every party, there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers

 

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov

 

I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

 

The look you give your friend when the teacher says to find a partner.

 

Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.

 

It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.

 

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. – Steven Wright

 

I thought I was in a bad mood but it’s been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.

 

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill

 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. – Albert Einstein

 

A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself and hates them for it. – George Bernard

Shaw

 

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

 

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch

 

It’s that time of year where girls look really cute and fashionable in their flannel and I look like I’ve misplaced my ax.

 

Don’t be so hard on yourself. The mom in E.T. had an alien living in her house for days and she never even noticed.

 

A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest. – Winston Churchill

 

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain

 

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